To Be…

I think a lot about Mr. K these days… while I still feel that his trust issues and insecurities still would have suffocated me, I cannot not acknowledge that he is one of the few guys in my life that completely showered me with attention and truly devoted himself to me… something that others don’t do. In many ways, I wonder if I made a grave mistake when I dumped him. To be honest, at the time when I had dumped him I had the naive thought that we’d continue being friends and eventually become lovers once more after more understanding of each other without the pressure of an end result. Last summer when I saw his email pop into my mailbox I was somewhat happy and scared to see it, because I wasn’t sure if it was for friendship or for what… unfortunately it had to be drama.

Somehow, a part of me still hopes that he’ll contact me again. Even if he has a new boyfriend and it’s just for friendship I’d be ok with that because at least it really does mean that I wasn’t a good fit for him. However, if he isn’t dating anyone… I would be open to trying again. Or is it because I’m really lonely at this point? I really do wonder.

It’s hard to find people who are willing to really love you for who you are. While Mr. K didn’t exactly completely do that, he did do it to an extent. On my end, I tried my best to like him for who he was, but it was difficult to do so when you’re walking on egg shells.

I’d email him myself, but I feel like it’s a bit stupid for me to dig up skeletons… I really should find a way to really let go of things. But why is it so hard for me? Why is it so hard for me to just say goodbye?

Language Immersion

I started classes at the French Alliance about a month ago for the sake of trying to have some knowledge of a romance language into my head. Their method of teaching the language is through immersion… whilst this type of method is quite difficult for me, I actually quite prefer it, as it forces me to try to catch words. A lot of people in the class dislike it because they have trouble catching all the words… but in my opinion, it’s not important to understand everything that the teacher says but rather be accustomed to hearing the language and listening for the pronunciation.

With that said, I’ve since set my cellphone to French and have been listening to a lot of French pop music. Never in a million years would I have thought I’d put so much time and effort in French.

All I can say is, people change. While French will not be useful in my life at all… who knows… maybe it’ll come handy one day.

Valentine’s Day

I’ve never ever spent a Valentine’s Day with anyone special before in my entire life. Year after year I’ve always hated the concept of this day, but this year today… I actually have quite a indifferent feeling towards this day. It is what it is.

… and there we have it.

In other news, I placed myself on a diet. Not to lose weight mind you, but on a plan to gain more muscle mass and to be more active and fit. I read a magazine article about making many aspects of your life be more like a video game. In many ways, that type of concept really does make sense to me. If I treated the things in my life like a RPG game… save money, rack up experience point and upgrade my weapons- I really could improve myself.

Since I already exercise at home, I downloaded an iPhone app that prepares custom workouts and also documents in data what you do. So far, I think it’s working very well to motivate me. I then went and bought a wi-fi scale to track my weight changes to motivate me to eat more as well as a pedometer called the “Fitbit” to analyze how much I walk and how well I sleep daily. So far, I’m loving it. I walk more, I track my calories and see how much more I have to eat and overall I feel very motivated. I think I can get my goal of gaining weight into reality real soon.

Aside from being more fit, I’m also tackling my skin. I’ve decided to abandon American products for Asian products. I figure, who would better understand the needs of Asian skin than Asian people. I will begin to try out Korean products (Since those are the most familiar to me) first and see how it goes.

This year, I want to impress myself. I want to be that guy that walks in the room where people say, “Wow, I wonder who that is.” It’s ok if I don’t have the body or the super good looks, however, what I want is to acquire that energy where people want to get to know me and understand me.